Know your BBC
BBC1 – the occasional programme, linked by endless trailers and a lot of red people dancing
BBC2 – wasn’t this channel better before they changed to that new set of yellow ‘2’ animations?
BBC3 – alternative youth programmes, screened here three weeks before they appear on BBC2
BBC4 – posh programmes for viewers with an arts degree who aren’t out at the theatre instead
BBC5Live – the Grandstand channel, featuring synchronised swimming, bowls and tiddlywinks
BBC6 – somewhere to dump excess footage of Fame Academy nobody wanted to see on BBC1
BBC7 – BBC Heaven, the shagadelic Austin Powers nostalgia channel
BBC10is – Sue Barker hosts live coverage from Wimbledon
BBC News24 – the license-fee-devouring news channel, named after its number of viewers
CBeebies – the channel for QVC viewers who want to watch something a little more challenging
BBC Radio 1 – bangin beats for der kids on da street, repeated every three-and-a-half hours
BBC Radio 2 – now features local radio music, but without the adverts or the cheesy presenters
BBC Radio 3 – cheap to run, because it cuts down royalty payments if all the composers are dead
BBC Radio 4 – the serious news station, so naturally it’s where all BBC2’s best comedies are born
BBC 5 Live – Radio 4 for people who care what the football results are
BBC 6 Music – music from before Gareth Gates was born, but after Karen Carpenter died.
BBC Radio 7 – talking books, except you always seem to tune in midway through chapter 15
BBC Radio 80 – for old people, it’s live gossip from the hairdressers; did she? no? well, I heard...
World Service – has the highest listening figures of any BBC station, and therefore likely to be axed
BBC Radio Number 10 – the latest political scandal, live from the baby monitor in Leo’s bedroom
BBCi – interactive online web-based content, which saves you ever having to buy a newspaper
BBCfx – ancient teletext system that’s miles better than the slower pages you get on digital telly
BBck1 – expensive unisex channel that comes in a bottle and smells like battery acid