The Country Code
• Guard against all risk of fire, unless setting an anti-hunt protestor alight.
• Fasten all dull green tweedy waistcoats, and lace up your sensible brown brogues.
• Keep dogs under proper control, unless there’s a fox in the vicinity.
• Keep to paths across farmland, you never know exactly where the GM crops are.
• Avoid damaging fences, hedges and walls, the parish council have banned all satellite dishes.
• Leave no litter, which is easy because there are no shops for ten miles in any direction.
• Safeguard water supplies – don’t let your dog foul the footpath next to the village pond.
• Protect wild life – only ever practise safe sex with the local sheep.
• Drive carefully on country roads, because it’s bloody dangerous to walk down them.
• Respect the life of the countryside. Live in a town.